My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
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Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
Love this one 😂🧟
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead