I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
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fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
At least try to make it slightly believable
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween