Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
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Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
Well well well…
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.