Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
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No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
I’m being attacked 😭
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]