Baller is short for ballerina
You Might Also Like
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
Search History:
Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.