COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
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[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.