Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
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When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
I never know how much to tip a cow.
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.