Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
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Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.