life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
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Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument