I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
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Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”