9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
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my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.