At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
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I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.