I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
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I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
*pronounces patio like ratio
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.