A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
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interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
I’ve had worse
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.