“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
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Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
I laughed at this way too hard.
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
when revenge coincides with naptime
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.