There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
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My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*