Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
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Happens to everyone.
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames