What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
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“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?