Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
You Might Also Like
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
fired
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*