My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
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Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
Animal poetry
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?