One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
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Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
I found your tweet-up…
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of