“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
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[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
My kid said a bad word and we ran out of soap, so I washed his mouth out with cilantro
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
some Old Testament wisdom
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.