Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
You Might Also Like
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.