My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
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If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.