Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
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USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
Cancer: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
Hot Panini is in big trouble
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free