Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
You Might Also Like
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
Pizza is an emotion right?
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.