Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
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Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
What the hell is going on?
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion