turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
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Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
Human are so complicated
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
peep davidson
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.