why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
You Might Also Like
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT