The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
You Might Also Like
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
haha same
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 馃獎
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
I鈥檓 going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
Don鈥檛 get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
Are these grass-fed oranges?
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
There鈥檚 never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?