5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
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When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours