You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
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I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral