Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
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General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
This meal prepping shit easy
No, I wasn’t dancing. I wore flowered leggings & got harassed by a bumble bee.
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
who did the taste test?
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey