Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
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A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands