GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
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why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
Good Morning.
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.