I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
You Might Also Like
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
*offers Batman cough drops*
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
Not today.. 😂
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you