You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
You Might Also Like
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
buys donuts instead
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.