damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
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him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
We’ve all been there…
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
seems like a niche market
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
The game has officially changed 😎
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.