My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
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Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
🤣✨#caturday
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
*launders Kohls cash*
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.