*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
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I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
Birds & Planes.
Best misinterpreted text ever!
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.