yeah no that’s fair
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Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm