Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
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[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.