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Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*