I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
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And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
Ain’t no way
”Been away?”
”Yeah just got back”
”Lucky you, anywhere nice?”
No, I always choose somewhere horrible…
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.