I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
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Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
shit just got real
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.