I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
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The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”