Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
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My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.