You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
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Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.