FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
You Might Also Like
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Breaking news:
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
synchronized noseblowing
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.