I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
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if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.